Adnerb the Movie Nerd

Movie reviews from a middle school teacher's perspective

Baywatch

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Every summer there is that one movie that is just flat out mindless entertainment.  Baywatch is not that movie. Mindless – yes.  Entertaining – not even close!  If you want to see a dead guy’s “junk” and an overly long sequence about a goofus getting his johnson stuck in a wooden chair, then by all means go ahead and waste your money. Lame humor and tedious, unimaginative plot lines? This is your flick!  My advice if you have your heart set on seeing a movie this week, is to see ANY other movie out there…….even The Mummy!

The Mummy

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Disney has the Marvel superhero world, while Warner Brothers has the DC heroes like Batman and Superman.   Hoping to at least get a piece of the substantial money to be made in these franchises,  the powers that be at Universal have decided to release ‘The Dark Universe,’  which will feature an array of classic movie monsters from their heyday in the 1930’s; to include Dr. Jekyll, The Invisible Man and Frankenstein.  To start things off, they have chosen to reboot The Mummy.  Tom Cruise stars as a sort of low rent anti-Indiana Jones, who is out to look for and resell ancient artifacts while serving as an Army recon specialist (He is no George Clooney from “Three Kings!”).  In the deserts of Iraq, he accidentally stumbles upon Ahmanet, an Egyptian princess buried far away from Egypt due to the extremely heinous nature of her ancient crimes!  She was buried alive (as all good monster mummies are), and her sarcophagus submerged in mercury, to keep her from rising up in the future to complete a nefarious scheme that included murder and world domination.   Most of the movie involves her chasing Tom Cruise so that he can be her new partner and love, and they can rule the world together for eternity.  I found the whole premise rather silly.  Along the way, we meet Dr. Jekyll, played  by Russell Crowe.  This short segment was the only part of the movie I found fun.  Dr. Jekyll heads a secret organization that finds, studies and destroys evil in the world.  The fact that he does this while trying not to turn into the diabolical Mr. Hyde adds some much needed camp to this movie.  I think if you go in with low expectations you will be surprised, and even entertained; but you will not be dazzled like you would be watching the newest “Wonder Woman” or “Guardians of the Galaxy” movies.  I was so excited when I heard that Universal was rebooting all of the classic monsters; but after watching this first movie, I am not so sure.  I am intrigued to see what Johnny Depp does with  Invisible Man, and Javier Bardem seems like a great choice to play Frankenstein.  I just hope they have a better script and can give their movie a little more heart.

Wonder Woman

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Wow!  Long live Wonder Woman!  This movie has everything a great super hero movie should have; interesting back story,  a doomed romance, historical events, light-hearted comedy, kick-ass fighting and great special effects.  The heroine of this epic, directed by Patty Jenkins, is played convincingly by Gal Gadot.  Her Diana Prince is actually an Amazonian princess, the daughter of Zeus, and the secret weapon (unbeknownst to her) that will one day be the downfall of  Ares, who has destroyed the other gods, and is trying his hardest to destroy mankind too.  Gal Gadot does an excellent job playing the innocent Diane, when she is brought from her island into the real world and introduced to the new and odd behaviors of mankind, including the atrocities humans perform on each other in times of war.  Chris Pine is dreamy as always as the American  pilot who crashes on her island paradise and falls in love with the beautiful warrior.  Pine, Gadot, and  a trio of interesting side-kicks, band together to fight for humanity.  Unlike most super heroes, Gal Gadot really makes us feel that she truly cares for the people she has sworn to protect; and that love, will indeed, cure all.  There is enough over the top action to satisfy the most die hard super hero movie connoisseur, and enough fresh story-telling to satisfy those who are tired of this genre.  Which ever side of the love/hate super hero movies side of the fence you are on, this movie is for you!

Pirates of the Caribbean:Dead men Tell No Tales

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What can you say about a movie that is the fifth in what is becoming a rather repetitious franchise?  Well, my favorite part of this movie was a cameo by Paul McCartney who  plays a cousin of John Depp’s Jack Sparrow.  He was refreshingly funny and even had a few good lines.  Too bad he wasn’t in more of the movie.  Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of Johnny Depp and his cadre of kooky characters.  I guess the main reason I enjoy his inventive interpretations so much is that each one is unique and unexpected.  Unfortunately, his Jack Sparrow is no longer fresh.  In fact, I found him unfunny and down right boring.  Don’t be fooled by Orlando Bloom’s brief appearance, he is in this movie for a total of maybe five minutes.  You see him at the beginning and briefly at the end where he is reunited with Keira Knightly.  She had the good sense to be seen for about a minute, collect her paycheck, and leave.  The special effects are very good and were enhanced by seeing them in 3D.  I think kids who are under the age of 12 may find some of the action amusing, but adults will find it hard to watch without dozing.    If you do go, don’t forget to stay to the end of the credits!  I hear Johnny Depp is going to play the Invisible Man in the new Dark Universe franchise being produced by Universal and also featuring The Mummy, Frankenstein, and Jeckyl and Hyde.  I am looking forward to seeing Mr. Depp play  a fresh and interesting character.  Hopefully,  someone will put a stake through the heart of Jack Sparrow and may he Rest in Peace!

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

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I have been interested in the Arthurian legend since I was a kid.  The Lady of the Lake, the round table, the doomed love affair, Excalibur and Merlin all make for riveting story telling about Camelot, the place that was special because of the tales people told about it.  Unfortunately, director Guy Ritchie  took all of these beloved elements from my childhood and turned them into a boring, preposterous mess that I refuse to even call a movie.  Do not see this cinematic mistake if you are a fan of King Arthur, as there is almost nothing from the story left intact except the name Uther Pendragon and a few  passing nods to the legend.  Merlin doesn’t even make an appearance!  A lot of silly things happen, but the silliest is a CGI humanoid-octopus thingie that helps Jude Law, Uther’s brother (?) take over the kingdom as long as he feeds it beloved family members.  Huh?  Eric Bana as King Uther, Arthur’s father, facing death at the hands of his brother throws Excalibur up in the air and it comes down and skewers him, and then he turns into the stone that the sword will have to be pulled out of.  What? I could go on  explaining this silliness but I really don’t want to.  My advice, if you see this movie playing at your local cinema, go see Guardians of the Galaxy instead, or hit a local watering hole for an invigorating libation.  Remember life is precious, and this is two and a half hours you’ll regret wasting.  After all, I did that for you!