Adnerb the Movie Nerd

Movie reviews from a middle school teacher's perspective

Hellboy

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“Hellboy” was two hours of my life I will never get back!  If you relish poor acting, largely terrible writing and an incomprehensible, silly plot, by all means go take a look.  Marvel has set a pretty high standard for super hero movies and “Hellboy” falls way short with this effort -off the cliff short.  Here is the plot in a nutshell, if you could call it a plot. Long, long time ago, in a ridiculously and unnecessarily convoluted and invented mythic lore, the Blood Queen Nimue (Milla Jovovich) is ready to take over the world with her demon army.  King Arthur and Merlin, placed in the 6th Century for some reason, foil her scheme, using Excalibur.  The king has her body cut up into seven pieces, to be carried to seven far points of the kingdom and hidden “forever.”  He buries the still animated head himself.  Jump forward to now. Hellboy (David Harbour)  is sent by his “dad” ( Ian McShane) to battle three giants who are destroying the English countryside. Once he accomplishes this, in what is really a clumsy and overblown and gory manner, he jumps into the problem created by Nimue’s chief minion who is suddenly running about finding all her body bits so that he can help resurrect her.  How does this creature know where they are?  Magic?  Where did he come from? What activated him? Who knows?  Once she is resurrected though, she apparently wants to marry Hellboy and use him to help her bring about the end of the world. You see, Hellboy has some royal blood (don’t ask) which means that he is the only person who can wield Excaliber. When she marries him, they, with the sword, will rule the world?  Confused yet?  It only gets worse.  It’s so intricate,, it beggars summarization.  He finds this all out when he encounters Merlin, who has been imprisoned in an underground crypt for all this time.  He reveals Arthur’s great sword to Hellboy, who won’t take it, and Merlin crumbles away.  Back to Hellboy uniting with “Dad” and some bad creature specialist and animorphing cheetah (Daniel Dae Kim, who should have stayed “Lost.”) and Alice (Sasha Lane) of Wonderland inspiration, but an inspriration that is mighty tenuous.  This Alice is a psychic who vomits dead apparitions.  Now add a diaper wearing pig, Nazis, and of course, Baba Yaga to the mix.  Sounds confusing? Yes, try following it.  It’s a jumble, jumps all over, and doesn’t flow well.  The plot holes are many. The dialogue is mediocre – a few laughs, but mostly trite, unimaginative drivel, and lame humor that falls like a dead cinder in a grate.  If you really need to see humans torn apart in every conceivable, gory way though, you will have found the movie for you.  According to the end scene in the middle of the credits (DC Universe aping the MCU, no originality there), there is a sequel planned.  Why?

GAME OF THRONES

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Winter is coming and many of us are super-excited for this final season.  There is no review here.  I am going to throw out a few theories about what is going to happen.  I would love to hear from  you as far as what you think.  Leave a message in the comments and let me know what you think.

  1.  One of the things that I think will happen this season is that we will see Jon Snow ride a dragon.  Those dragons definitely accepted him and I am sure he is going to ride, and guide one of them.
  2.   I think Arya Stark is going to use Littlefinger’s face to get close to Cersei and kill her.
  3.   I have a feeling that Gendry (The last Baratheon) might end up with Sansa and the two of them may rule together.
  4.  Bran is really the Night King.  i can’t explain how that would work or how it is possible, just a feeling.
  5.   Sam is going to become the hand of the King (or queen)
  6.  Jaimie might kill the Night King because he is the “king slayer.”
  7.  Tyrion might be a Targaryen – one clue is the fact that the dragons do not seem to hate him.
  8.   Ser Davos Seaworth  and Jorah Mormont will survive or else!!

VALOR MORGHULIS

 

Captain Marvel

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Marvel did it again!  I don’t know how they keep putting out top-of-the-line, action filled, super hero movies – but they do.  Captain Marvel is another tour-de-force!  From the opening credits where they pay homage to Stan Lee to the end credits teasers, this movie is jam-packed with things to love.  First of all, Brie Larsen is great as Captain Marvel.  She plays Vers, a noble warrior who battles for the Kree, a super race of aliens who look just like us, have super-strength and are benignly governed by an A.I. called the Supeme Intelligence – who appears to each Kree in a different form.   Annette Benning plays the Supreme Intelligence that Brie Larson sees and speaks to.  But all is not as it appears to be of course, for it turns out that Vers is actually Carol Danvers (Vers, get it?) who was a hot shot military jet pilot on Earth.  Not to tell all the story, but a combat related incident gives her great powers and the Kree decide to take her to their homeworld and train her as a warrior. Unfortunately, she doesn’t remember her life on Earth until she accidently crashes on her home planet chasing the Krull, shape shifting enemies of the Kree.  On Earth, she meets a young Nick Fury (a digitally rejuvinated Samuel L. Jackson) and his subordinate Agent Colson ( old friend Clark Gregg back in his familiar place).  There are a lot of talented actors rounding out the cast including: Jude Law, Lee Pace, Djimon Hounsou, and Ben Mendelsohn just to name a few.  As in most of these movies, there is action, humor, a back story and even a cute animal, in this case a cat named Goose.  Even though Captain Marvel’s powers are considerable and very visual, I didn’t feel this movie is over-encumbered by special effects. These sort of movies are driven to varying degrees by CGI and other effects though, and these are impressively done.  I also hear that some people are upset and resentful that Captain Marvel is a woman and are trying to rig reviews on sites like Rotten Tomatoes to keep people away.  Don’t listen to this narrow minded and mysoginistic approach.  This movie is a thrilling and engaging entry into the Marvel Universe.  Don’t forget to stay until the very end to get a teaser for the upcoming “Avenger: Infinity Wars.”  My opinion is – kudos and well-done!

Alita: Battle Angel

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“Alita: Battle Angel” is an adaptation of a manga series titled Gunnm  so you know it is going to be weird, dark and strange.  Alita is a cyborg whose head and partial torso are found in a garbage dump by Dr. Dyson Ido (Christoph Waltz) who puts these discarded machines back together.  He also moonlights as  a bounty hunter who turns in the bad guys for a reward.  Waltz is surprisingly subdued in the Ido role, and appears to be sleepwalkiing through a pretty under developed character.  Other supporting players are Marshala Ali and Jennifer Connolly, whose roles are also poorly developed and add little of interest to the narrative other than conventional and trite ‘bad guy’ activities.  Edward Norton makes the briefest apperance, not  even getting a minute of screen time. He’s unidentifiable anyway. The special effects are pretty incredible though.  Iron City and the world of a futuristic motor ball competition are well developed; and Aita is definitely a great fighter, using a combination of martial arts, speed, strength and an almost impenvious cyborg body.  Despite the action, I found many parts of the story slow and even down right boring.  Characters are not developed, one dimensional even.  There is so much that people like me who haven’t read the original source will not understand and may even find confusing.  There were also many opportunities to inject a little humor or fun into the proceedings, but  no such luck.  I guess if you are looking for a movie with great CGI and special effects, some good fight scenes but not much of a plot and wooden acting – this is the movie for you.

Serenity

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If you are a fan of the cult TV show “Firefly,”  I suggest that  you skip this movie, because you will be extremely disappointed by the title ( fellow nerds, you know what I’m talking about).  If you are not a fan of “Firefly,” I still suggest you that you skip this movie, because you are still going to be disappointed.  I expected way more from a movie starring Anne Hathaway and Matthew McConaughey, who are both Oscar winning actors.  If you have seen trailers for “Serenity;” you will likely have been misdirected, as I was, because this movie is totally not what the trailer leads you to expect.  Matthew McConaughey stars as Baker Dill, an Iraq war veteran and fishing boat captain who spends every spare moment hunting a giant tuna called Justice.  His ex-wife, Karen, shows up with a story of being abused by her current millionaire husband (played unconvincingly and as a bland stereotype by Jason Clarke) and the bruises to prove it.  She wants him to take her husband out on a fishing trip and kill  him by throwing him overboard for the sharks.  She offers  ten million dollars in cold, hard cash.  Karen is played by Anne Hathaway with her hair dyed a perplexing and unflattering blond.  Diane Lane and DJimon Honshu are wasted in minor supporting roles, that frankly, don’t really servie to support anything! Up until this point, the action was slow, but the plot  seemed to be headed in the familiar territoy of suspense thriller.  Here is where the movie falls apart, and even gets silly.   I won’t give away the big plot “surprise,” although I feel I would be doing a public service if I did!  Anyway, think of a really bad rip off of Black Mirror’s ‘Bandersnatch,’ but without the myriad choices, and you will get the idea.  I read after the fact, that “Serenity” was scheduled to be released in September 2018, but was pulled and delayed until late January 2019.  It’s almost as if the distributors knew something, isn’t it?